The Ego

The Ego…

14 octubre, '19

It took me a while to take and accept this picture… “this angle, ugh… maybe this other one… hmm… maybe if I take the color away and darken it up a bit… ok, I can live with this one…”

It took me even longer to write these words…

For years I wanted to be invisible… I was just too different.

Then being different became interesting…

Later on, wanting to make a difference for myself and others came to be my work and my life…

I know my ego leads me to compare myself, which I use to either connect or separate from others.

I can hear the subtle story in my head: Am I doing enough? Am I enough?

I know it’s “just” a story I tell myself.

Yet, some days, the story has more power than others… so, I’ve learned to sit with it in meditation (awareness) identifying with the Self, while working on fully accepting my different aspects: my ego, my story, my emotions and my body.

As I reflect on my life, I can see how far I’ve come…

I can recognize the effectiveness of my practice, through the results of how I think and feel about my own aspects and others around me.

I no longer feel like escaping life as I once did… though I do question if what I’m doing is good enough… But that’s just a story in my head that leads me to dive deeper into my personal dynamics.

Maybe one day I’ll just seek physical refuge in a mountain or a monastery to uncover my mind in a deeper way.

Though for now, I am here… I am part of society… and I open up to be seen.

Rodolfo Carrillo M.

I choose you...

2 de marzo '19

I’m sorry… 

for being afraid, 

for not being strong, 

for not trusting the universe, 

for doubting your words, 

for not being able to fully see your actions, 

for breaking down, 

for not being man enough,  

for needing reassurance, 

for getting reassurance and yet being unable to let go of my fear, 

for needing a hug, 

for wanting you here, 

for being selfish and not wanting to share you, 

for having wounds and scars, 

for not fully seeing you, 

for doubting myself, 

for not recognizing my self worth… 

I hope you understand it’s hard for me… 

I have my own story… my scars… 

Though you’re like no woman I’ve ever been with… 

I still think I can end up coming on the short end, yet again… 

I love you! 

And there’s nothing holding me back from shouting that I do,

but the fact that you’re not free…

and if I do so, if I let it show… 

I’ll only end up hurting you! 

So, I can only love you in secret, 

Cause there’s someone else in that position, 

Still wearing the crown of being your love…

And that is hard… 

because it’s one of the reasons for my scars… 

But I choose: 

To believe in you, 

To trust you, 

To see you, 

To recognize the love that there is, 

To trust the universe, 

To trust love, 

To see myself, 

To recognize my worth, 

To let go of my wounds and scars, 

To go beyond fear, 

To open up, 

To love, 

I choose you!


Rodolfo Carrillo M.